Conservative vs Liberal Or....

Like most kids brought up in a relatively conservative and traditional home, there came a point when  I became a rebel. I was sick of all the ‘rules’. I felt constricted. Stifled. And  I wanted freedom. I was infact envious of the kids in American TV shows, who seemed to have the freedom to do just as they pleased J 

And yet, there came a time a few years later, when I found myself developing increasingly positive feelings towards conservative people. This was a bit puzzling. To me ‘conservative’ meant ‘rigid and inflexible’, while liberal stood for ‘open-minded’. Now, I liked to think that I wasn’t rigid, and couldn’t figure out why I had begun to prefer conservative people over liberal ones in general. At that time, I didn’t read too much into it, and it took me several years (I always seem to take years to figure things out J ) before I understood why.

Conservative people are ‘particular’ in the way they go about things. They following a particular routine that they are generally not willing to break. They have a specific way of being hospitable towards a guest. Indeed, they have a code for dealing with people and situations that incorporates a million details. Put simply, they are very conscientious in the way they go about things.

Liberal people on the other hand,  generally have far fewer things they are particular about. They are ‘accommodating’ of cultures very different from their own.  Many like calling themselves 'progressive and tolerant'. They aren’t worried about ‘irrelevant minor details’, more concerned about the essence or symbolism rather than the nuanced details of a specific ritual. This open-mindedness, being ‘ok with anything’,  sometimes manifests as a lack of attention to detail, and has led many such liberal people to become ‘casual’.

And there it was.. The answer I was looking for…

"It wasn’t a question of whether someone was Conservative or Liberal. The question was whether they were Intentional or Casual"

There are 3 observations of mine in relation to this that I want to touch upon here :

•        You are intentional about that which you care about

It irritates me when people are casual – casual in their hospitality, casual in dealing with other people’s time, casual in their tone of voice, casual in their mannerisms, casual in their approach to work .. Casualness radiates the idea “This is not important to me”.

I know many competent people who do a great job at work – Every single one of them cares about their work and about the million minor details that can compromise the quality. Many feel guilty if they turn in anything less than excellent, even on a tight schedule. All are careful to not come across as unprofessional in the least.

And yet, I doubt if some of these people are equally conscientious when it comes to areas of life other than work. One person actually told me ‘I just want to be myself at home ‘. And I asked ‘Have you tried that at work too?’, and I got this super weird look.

If you are being casual with people all the time, beware. You may not be coming across as very caring.

•          Intentionality increases likeability

I have noticed that even very conservative people can enjoy the company of people from totally different cultures – but in almost every occasion, it needs an expression of some form of intentionality before the ice breaks – a warm smile, an expression of concern, a gesture of hospitality et -something that connects two people at a human level.

I sometimes like some people almost as soon as I meet them, and it took me years to realize that I am quick to decide that I like someone whenever they demonstrate some form of intentionality within the first few minutes of conversation. (of course, I also need to sense that they aren’t being nice just to get something from me ;) And it stands out even more in a place where manners are fast losing their importance J

Secondly, almost every character trait is an expression of a certain form of intentionality - A certain way of dealing with people (for example,  kindness, generosity, compassion, loyalty ) or situations ( integrity , commitment, patience, optimism ) . Good manners, politeness and courtesy, in essence, are all about intentionality. 

I have always felt that good character starts with good manners. But good character is a step beyond manners as it incorporates some form of ‘caring’ in addition to manners and politeness. In a way, most character traits boil down to caring – caring about another person, or situation, and expressing that care intentionally in some form. And casual, with its ‘This isn’t that important to me’ vibe, is just the very opposite of caring..

Where we care, we are intentional., In turn, expressions of intentionality demonstrate an intent to care, and instantly raises likability.

•       You hold yourself to high standards in areas of life where you are intentional.

Do you recheck your office report for typos before sending it over email ? Do you carefully look at the calorie count before consuming a dish? Do you make sure that you set aside time for exercise every single day?

What are you particular about? Where are you conscientious?

And let me take a wild guessJ - “You excel at whatever you are particular about”

It is not for me to advise people on what they ‘should’ be intentional about. But certainly, the one area  that is the hardest, most nuanced, and offers the greatest potential for growth is relationships, and interactions with people. We don’t often get feedback, and it’s easy for us to assume that we’re doing all right. I can say this from personal experience, because, one of the few regrets I have from my younger years is that I was casual, when people around me were caring..

Over to you – In the quest to become more open-minded, have you ended up becoming casual in the way you go about things?