Thursday, March 07, 2024

A Random Thought

 If you call it service, then why do you wish to be recognized and praised for it ? 


True service doesn't seek attention.  

Monday, February 05, 2024

The curious case of Narcissistic Leaders

 It is well known that people tend to follow a leader who demonstrates certainty. Even if the leader is wrong. It is tempting for all of us to be lured by the conviction that such a leader demonstrates. They always seem to know exactly what they are doing. They make instant decisions. They have strong opinions. They exude charisma. And handle the spotlight with chutzpah. 


All of this looks like the signs of a "winner" - until you start to notice the red flags.. They throw a tantrum when they don't get their way. They expect others to adore them. They dismiss others' points of view. They act like they are above everyone else. They believe they are are never to blame. 


Until, we can finally see them for who they are. All that brash confidence, bravado and decisiveness was a mask to hide the terrible insecurity underneath. 


 I am witness to one such leader ( fortunately not at workplace). 


The irony of leadership is that is highly represented by narcissists. Even worse, the "ordinary" innocent folks are seduced into thinking that being such a bold leader is a sign that one has finally "made it".. That one has arrived. 


And yet, the more and more such leaders I get to see, the more I find them off-putting. The more I notice the absence of sincerity. The more I notice that it is merely grandiosity, and not really courage.  


Leaders demonstrating these behaviours aren't leaders. They are merely master manipulators. 


I always believed that being a balanced person was not a big deal, but I now do think it is...And after seeing enough such narcissistic leaders, I only have this to say - The most wonderful people are sincere, simple, genuine and generous. 


Friday, January 19, 2024

Something exotic

 I recently got myself a red-light-therapy device. Red light therapy is that miracle medicine that almost no one has heard of. Over 3000 academic studies have been done on it, but it's neither mainstream nor popular yet, likely for reasons that are more political than scientific. 


People usually use it for great skin and anti-ageing purposes. Well, I'm using it to improve my sleep, and can attest to it making a big difference in my case. Red-light therapy also enhances cognitive function. You can google and learn more about it, if you wish. I paid a crazy amount for my device, especially for it to be shipped halfway across the planet, but I do not regret the purchase. I wish more people knew about this. 


The other thing that I  am yet to try, but have heard interesting things about is hyperbaric oxygen therapy - again some incredible stories from folks, but HOT needs about 40 regular consistent sessions for results to show. I don't have the time for that now, but I sure will try it someday. 


All of a sudden , I seem to have gotten interested in all these fancy, exotic things :D 

Saturday, January 06, 2024

Friday, December 29, 2023

Consumers and Creators

 Consuming ( social media, web series, random youtube videos etc ) brings momentary pleasure. 


Creating ( a poem, a healthier you, meaningful friendships) brings lasting satisfaction.


Pleasure comes from passive entertainment.


Satisfaction comes from effort. 


Choose lasting satisfaction over momentary pleasure. 


In a world filled with consumers, choose to be a creator.  

Tuesday, December 26, 2023

Becoming a Better Speaker - Part 2

  

Note : If you have not already done so, please read Part 1 of the article here

 

Some of you may have wondered as to why was the previous part was titled “Becoming a better speaker” ? Why not “Becoming a good speaker” or even  Becoming a great speaker”.

The answer is simple.

If you want to become a good speaker, you will get there one day, and then you will stop growing.

If you want to become a great speaker, you will get there one day, and then you will stop growing.

But if you want to become a better speaker, there is no end to the journey.

There is always room to improve. At attitude of never-ending growth and improvement as a way of life lies at the heart of becoming a better speaker.  

 

A lot of people improve more and more slowly as they become good and even great at a particular skill. But here, the philosophy is different – It is about the having the mindset of “Just getting started”. It is about approaching learning and growth just as ardently, enthusiastically, and humbly as a beginner would. That, in essence, is at the core of the philosophy of becoming a better speaker.

 

Now, If you have a gone through Part 1 and also practiced it, you would already be pretty a good speaker.

 So, what’s the next stage ?

The first few stages in growth is all about improvement in skill and competence. One perhaps may even become brilliant at that skill. The next stage is what I like to call as an advancement in consciousness.

Let us understand this through an example – Say, someone trains to become a doctor. They go through a long and advanced training, and they have become a brilliant doctor. The next level, then, is not going to come from skill advancement. It would likely come from an advancement in consciousness- Do they empathize deeply with a patient? Can they reach out and comfort a patient, as they notice tears streaming down a patient’s face? Does seeing a patient wince with pain bother them, even after they’ve seen a thousand patients ? A great doctor is operating from a higher zone of consciousness, and not merely a higher zone of skill. Often, the higher zone of consciousness is characterized by caring more and by having a human touch in everything we do.

 

In the context of public speaking, how do we transcend to a higher level of consciousness?

 

·        Let the spirit of your speech surpass its technical brilliance – Too many brilliant speakers saturate simply there. At being brilliant. Their speeches are all about demonstrating their skill. They speak with dazzling fluency, powerful body language, and witty one-liners. But the problem with that is this - Their core agenda is all about being in the spotlight and about coming across as impressive and charismatic.

 But here’s the thing

 You don’t touch people’s hearts through brilliance. You touch it through spirit.

 Have you ever heard Sudha Murthy speak ? She is not a sophisticated speaker with an English accent – And yet, she is a very memorable speaker. This is simply because of the spirit of her speech. Her meaningful stories, down to earth mannerisms, and unassuming nature emanate a spirit that far surpasses the technical brilliance of her speech.

 

So, how do we infuse more spirit into our speeches?

 

To infuse brilliance into our speeches, we use our brain

To infuse spirit into our speeches, we need to use our heart.

 

The key to the skill vs spirit debate is settled by one question – Who is the real hero of your story  - Is it you or your message ?

 

If you are the hero of your story, you will come across as impressive perhaps. However if your message is the hero of your story, your spirit shines through and your message will be memorable.

  

·        What connotation does your struggle have ? Particularly so in toastmasters, many speakers talk about their journey from struggle to success, and we feel inspired. And yet other seemingly similar speeches make us cringe. What’s the difference?

The difference lies in what I call as “The struggle connotation “ and it comes down to this-

 

Is your journey conveyed in a way that makes people feel inspired by you?

Or

Is your journey conveyed in a way that makes people feel sympathy towards you ?

 

People look up to inspiration

People look down with sympathy

 

So the way one talks about their struggle is terribly important. If you add a couple of jokes as you describe it, you’ve grown out of it. The moment you start elaborating on how miserable your life was, you are invoking sympathy. Especially, if you portray yourself as helpless, you paint a picture of someone who is weak, and loves playing the victim. The simplest way to fix this is to share that you really really tried  hard when things were tough.

 

Does the audience feel inspired or sympathetic- The difference often comes down to how you portray your challenging times.

 

·        Make the listeners care – As you speak with passion, your enthusiasm will certainly rub off on the audience to a degree. But how engaged the audience feels will depend on one thing – “Do you make them care about what you are saying ? “. To make them care, we, as speaker need to go a level deeper – We need to articulate why that particular topic is of deeper interest to us.

 

The more meaningful our why, the more listeners will care. The more they care, the more spirit of your message will reach them. So, a key part of infusing spirit into our speech is to articulate our why, and articulating that is what makes people care about our message.

 

·         Talk to the listeners with respect. We have all heard speakers who talk about the ‘idiots’ they are dealing with. They label their boss a ‘hitler’. The audience members may laugh or chuckle, but at the back of their minds they have a thought – ‘This speaker is a person who puts others down to make himself appear superior”.

 

Needless to say, this will kill the spirit of your speech. No one commands gravitas by putting others down. And it says a lot about us – How we speak of others says more about us than it does about them.

 

·        The perils of being too polished –Have you ever witnessed someone speak with impeccable language, remarkable fluency, and stunning confidence, and yet somehow, you felt a certain disconnect with them ? The speaker comes across as perfect. Too perfect. Too good to be true, even.

 An image of perfection creates a barrier to connection. 

A real life story illustrates how powerful being imperfect is – Neils Bohr, a world-famous physicist in early 20h century discovered that other physicists were intimidated by his stature. Whenever Bohr gave a talk, no one challenged him and no one asked him any questions. He realized that he had to find a way to break that barrier, and he came up with a strikingly simple and yet exceptionally efficient idea. Soon after Bohr would start speaking, and writing down some equations on the black board, he would “accidentally” drop the chalk piece on the floor. He would then pick it up, and continue writing on the board, and within a couple of minutes , he would “accidentally” drop it again, and at that point , he would exclaim “How silly of me”.  This simple act immediately broke the barrier, and everyone in the audience felt connected to him and opened up more. 

 

Infact, there is a name for this – Pratfall effect. The Pratfall Effect states that people who are considered highly competent are found to be more likeable when they perform an everyday blunder than those who don’t.

 

So, how do we apply this in the context of public speaking – One simple way is to combine confident delivery with vulnerable content  - For example , you may talk about how you did something really silly as part of the content. Or how you weren’t always as confident as you seem to be now. Or some other goofy attribute of yours that no one would expect.

 

Another way would be to talk about an accomplishment of yours, but with a markedly toned down voice, or by attributing it to contribution of others.

 

The moment, both your delivery and content come across as painting an overwhelmingly positive picture of you, people will no longer relate to you.

 

To summarize, become a really confident speaker. And then occasionally make some mistakes. Use the Pratfall effect to bridge the gap between you and the audience.

 

 

·        Leave the listeners with a feeling. A very specific feeling – We listen to an achiever speak. They talk about their gazillion achievements. We are impressed. But we have a feeling that we can never be like that. Because that person seems to be different. Maybe the speaker sounded like he/she was an achiever from birth.

 

Many speakers revel in the feeling of assuming they are special. All they talk about is their accomplishments and how they great they are. In a speech of moderate length, this might impress an audience. In a longer speech, this is bound to irritate the audience.

 For the longest time in my life, until my 20s, I had a very specific limiting belief – That others could accomplish something, but I would not be able to accomplish that myself, because I was different in some way. That I was flawed in some fundamental way. But what changed it was a very generous spirited individual, who believed in me, thought I had potential, and spoke to me in that suggested that it was obvious that I would be able to deliver on a certain task.

He made me feel that if he could do it, I could do it too !

There, I said it ! The specific feeling that you want to leave the audience with, whenever you talk about an accomplishment of yours is that “If you can do it, so can they “

 

 

·        Embrace your inner weirdness – We all have our odd peculiarities, idiosyncrasies. Mannerisms or physical attributes that stand out. Maybe we’ve got a funny nose, an elephant like ear. Most people with such attributes, try their best to hide it.

 

The more we try to hide something, the more obvious it is to others that we are trying to hide it ðŸ˜Š

 

The solution – embrace your weirdness. If possible, crack a joke on it. It will endear you to the audience in a way, that no amount of talking about your awesomeness ever can. Many will find your weirdness cute.

 

 There is nothing that conveys that someone is comfortable in their own skin more than when they wholeheartedly embrace their weirdness …

 

 

·        The mistake most speakers make – This is a mistake I have seen some of the most polished speakers make. I’m sure I make it too sometimes. A speaker delivers an incredible speech.  A speech that leaves everyone feeling inspired and empowered. The speakers smiles. And then abruptly, their expression changes to something more neutral or perhaps even stern. One of the most important things to do in a speech is to slowly fade out the last expression on your face. That is when the taste of your speech lingers long after you have finished it. When we abruptly wipe a smile off our face, it seems like everything that happened before that was an act.

 

I have shared a few strategies above to become an even better speaker. These give a glimpse into the fact that there is a nuanced way to go about pretty much any aspect of speaking. If we are willing to reflect and think, there is a next level we can get to in every single aspect. A scope for improvement in every aspect, regardless of how skilled we already are. And that is wonderful. The opportunity to learn forever is one of the greatest gifts that life has to offer us.

The key to practicing these strategies is counter-intuitive – It is to not think of these as strategies at all !  Rather , it is to become a person for whom these behaviors' seem normal

To become a person who focusses on the message rather than on making themselves seem impressive

To become a person who tries their very best even (especially) when things seem challenging

To become a person who does not speak badly of others in order to make themselves feel better

To become a person who is willing to talk about or show imperfections to others, and has made peace with their weirdness

To become a person who fades out the smile while smiling at anyone

To become a person who leaves others with a feeling that if they can do it, others can do it

 

Because when we use these ideas as strategies, it is separate from our authentic self.  They become something we do only while delivering a speech in public. Instead, if we become a person who embodies the above characteristics, these elements of speaking naturally arise from that.

 

Part 1 of becoming a better speaker was all about tips , strategies to being effective. Part 2 goes deeper , including elements like infusing spirit into your speech , into making audience members your allies, into accepting ourselves and peculiarities wholeheartedly.  

 

Is this all there is ? Is this the end ? Is there a next level ?

 

If you have mastered the above elements, and want to get to the next level, remember that it all begins with the belief  ”I’m just getting started”.  The secret to mastering anything is retaining the beginner mindset forever, and staying curious and open to learning forever. To celebrate the opportunity that life offers us to explore and delve deeper into its infinite possibilities.

 

Becoming a Better Speaker - Part 1

 I set out to improve my public speaking skills and decided to join a toastmasters club. Back then, I was learning a lot about conquering my fears. Given that public speaking has the distinguished reputation of being ranked as the Number one fear in the world, I recognized that improving my public speaking skills would help me become a more courageous person in general. Little did I realize then that improving my public speaking skills offered numerous other benefits that were hard to recognize in the beginning.

Here are some of my word-won lessons on how I could improve further as a speaker. I haven’t mastered these; rather I realize that each of these is important, and I am working on internalizing them. The purpose of this post is to share what I have learnt so far:

 

·        It’s not just what you say, it’s how you say it: This is a mistake I have seen speakers make all the time, and I make it myself. We write a speech, and then spend all our time leading to the D-day, memorizing the speech. Making sure we aren’t forgetting any bits. Making sure we remember the transition points in our speech even if we somehow forget the details, so that we can improvise on the fly. We practice our speech numerous times until we have it memorized in time, and then we deliver it on the D-day. Right? Wrong.

 

The true preparation for our speech begins after we have it memorized. Studies indicate that 55 percent of our communication is made up of body language, the tone of voice accounts for 38%, while the verbal content accounts for a mere 7%. And yet, most speakers spend over 90% of their time focusing on the 7%. This isn’t to minimize the importance of content; rather it is to emphasize that the real work begins after the content has been memorized cold.  Being purposeful in the way we speak, the way we use our hand gestures, the way we move on the stage – all of these often contribute more to the effectiveness of the speech than the content itself.

 

·        Go for maximum impact rather than maximum content: In the first few speeches that I gave, I made (and sometimes continue making) a rookie mistake. I tried to pack in as much content as I could. I wanted to make sure that the value I packed into my speech would be well worth the audience’s time. I was deeply aware that a 5-minute speech five to an audience of 20 people meant 100 minutes of listening time. Surely, the best way to demonstrate respect for the audience’s time was to jam-pack the speech with content, right?

 

Wrong.

 

If you jam pack the speech with numerous different points, the audience will not leave with any single take-away. Also, while you may be very familiar with the content in your speech, it is new to the audience. Are you giving them enough time to process, and to feel what you are saying? Or are you hoping to share a drop a million insight-bombs in your 5-minute speech and leave them super impressed?  Rather than seeking to maximize the amount of content you can pack in, choose to focus on just a few points, and think about how you can convey them in the most impactful way.  

 

A great speech is usually like a story –When you listen to a story, are you looking for ‘maximum content’ ? No. You are looking for a story which is engaging, entertaining, perhaps with a message at the end. A great story always evokes emotions in us. Makes us experience a ride of a lifetime. So, rather than attempting to impress the audience with a stream of penetrating insights, ask yourself what emotions would you like to leave the audience with at the end of your speech? If your speech absolutely lacks any emotion, it simply won’t be very memorable.

 

·        Watch the speed limits – This can be tied to the earlier point, but I needed to make this a separate one – Because I have made both the mistakes far too often.  One way rookie speakers try to maximize the content in their speech is being speaking fast. Really fast.  They tend to think – “I’ve got just 5 minutes. And I’ve got tonnes of great content. So how do I deliver all this? Let me just blurt it all out as fast as I can”. Right?

 

Wrong.

 

There are several problems with speaking too fast.  The audience cannot follow your train of thought. Even if they do, they don’t get enough time to really absorb, and feel the emotions that your story portrays. Most importantly, speaking really fast conveys low confidence. The speaker assumes at some level, that they are not worth the audience’s time, and wish to compensate for it, by taking as little of it as possible – by speaking fast. It also shows a lack of self-control, a lack of stability and centeredness, and a lack of comfort with one self. Slow down. Pauses are a powerful communications tool. Let the audience absorb and feel each sentence.

 

·        The secret to sounding less rehearsed – You listen to a speech and often can spot almost immediately that it is memorized. Every single word of it. You record yourself giving a speech, and yours seem memorized too. And you cannot solve the problem. How can you make your speech appear more spontaneous and less rehearsed? The answer – through expressiveness and emotionality. It is these 2 components, done in the moment that brings spontaneity to your speech.

 

Being expressive and being ok displaying emotions is hard for many speakers, and it has been hard for me as well. But I have come to be believe that this, more than anything else, is where the personal development part of becoming a better speaker really lies. When we encourage ourselves to be more expressive, more spontaneous, and less filtering of our true emotions – we are more in touch with our ‘inner free child’ – the one who needs no permission from anyone to be itself. 

 

There are 4 primary emotions – sad, mad, glad, scared. Which of these do you identify with the least, and didn’t have ‘permission’ to express early on? Which of these do you avoid expressing and substitute with a different emotion instead? Work on learning to get in touch with, and to label every emotion you internally experience. Perhaps you have a deep unexpressed sadness that you have transformed to anger? Start expressing your sadness instead of the anger. It is infinitely more effective, and you will come across as infinitely more powerful.

 

Figure out how you can tap more into each of the four primary emotions. Regardless of whether or not you become a better speaker (and trust me, you undoubtedly will), you will become way more integrated emotionally. There are speakers who are different off-stage and different on-stage. The more you do this work, the more you will be the same person everywhere

 

·        Speak with conviction and passion – Not your style? It wasn’t mine either ðŸ˜€ Speaking with conviction and passion appears ‘larger than life’.  Seems like a character right out of the movies. You are more ‘low key’. Not as much ‘in your face’. And there’s nothing wrong with that.

The real question is this – In your own life, how strongly do you believe in the strength of your convictions?’ How strongly do you feel about anything? How openly are you able to speak out things that you care deeply about?

The audience will truly connect with your message, only when you connect deeply with it yourself. And when you connect with it deeply, and give yourself permission to express it, the conviction shines through. The real power and effectiveness of a speech is really in this – How deeply do you feel about the message you are sharing? There are other qualities that speaking with conviction portrays – decisiveness, passion, self-assurance, being more in touch with your true-self – all qualities well-worth cultivating

·        Plant your feet firmly on the ground – The number one fear in the world is public speaking. Fear of dying comes in at number 3. The biggest challenge that almost every speaker faces is in dealing with their anxieties as they come up on stage.  While conquering our anxieties cannot be reduced to a 5-point bullet-list, this is the most seemingly obvious and most powerful way, in my opinion to get started – Planting one’s feet firmly on the ground before we begin speaking.

 

Why is a tree strong and stable? Because it has deep roots. The deeper the roots, the more stable and unshaken the tree. Keeping our feet flat, and spaced widely apart gives us that sense of stability and centeredness. One wonderful speaker shared an amazing tip with me- To imagine yourself to be a dragon with a huge-tail – a tail that engulfs an entire room.  Such a dragon draws its strength and stability from its close proximity to the ground – No, I am not suggesting that you sit down and give you speech ðŸ˜€ But the slightly further apart your feet, the less wobbly you feel. The less shaky. Less hopping and swaying. More trusting in yourself.

·        Stay genuine - There are many many ‘successful’ speakers, who have figured out what works on stage and what doesn’t. They have figured out how to appear charming, and irresistible. And yet, in our gut, we know we can’t trust them. Why? We realize they are putting on a show. They don’t seem genuine. Regardless of anything else we do in our journey to becoming better speakers, this is the only thing I believe we should never be willing to sacrifice or compromise – our genuineness. Retain it.

 

·        Improve all your interactions – You don’t need an audience of 100 to call yourself of a speaker. Improve the way to communicate with anyone and everyone. For the most part, the same tools work in individual interactions too. The way people receive you and your message in personal communication will also give you sense of how you will be received as a public speaker. Improve your effectiveness in daily conversations and interactions, and that will show up in your public speaking skills as well.

The journey to becoming a better speaker is a journey undertaken at many levels. Being able to craft powerful content, being able to memorize it, and share it is only scratching the surface. The deeper journey to becoming a more effective and powerful speaker is a deeper journey into our own personal development –


Recognizing that people respond more to our ‘vibe’ and our ‘energy and presence’ than to our words.


That the audience connects better to stories than to well-reasoned logical arguments.


That authenticity, conviction, decisiveness, self-assurance, spontaneity, congruence, vulnerability, and deep inner strength – All of these go into the making of a really good speaker. The truly successful speaker is such a person not just on stage, but also off-stage.  You don’t need to be loud or aggressive to do any of this – you can have you own quiet dignified style of communication – but make no mistake – if you have these qualities, they will shine through for all the audience members to see.

 

A good speaker combines the brain, heart and spirit - They don’t merely speak to impress others with their intelligence. Rather, they speak to connect with the audience. Perhaps by sharing stories from their personal life. And demonstrating spirit – strength of character, grace, courtesy and generosity in the tonality of their speech and tonality of their conduct.

 

A great speaker really makes you feel that you want to be more like them. A genuine, great speaker has personally undertaken the journey to strengthen themselves, over a long period of time, and are really worthy of such admiration. They are role models, and people truly worth listening to.

 

This article paints the picture of a persona that is hard to achieve. Indeed, it is a life-long journey for most of us. From my perspective, this is the map. Feel free to use the portions of the map that speak to you.

 

Tuesday, December 19, 2023

A recipe to become great at something

First become very very skilled at that thing, and then let your soul surpass your skill

Vacation, Art and books and talks

  • We finally did a long pending trip to Kerala - Munnar, Kumarakom, Allepey , Kochi. It's amazing what a vacation can do to our mood :) 
  • One of the places we stayed in had organized a kite flying activity . I had so much flying a kite. ! My kite demonstrated a tendency to nose dive every few minutes, but I adroitly rescued it every single time ( to my surprise :) 
  • We witnessed a phenomenal Kalaripayattu performance in Munnar. This is my first time watching Kalaripayattu from close quarters and I was very very impressed. 
  • We also witnessed a truly incredible Kathakali performance at the Kerala Kathakali Centre, Kochi. What impressed me most about the performance was the singing performance of the narrator - An elderly gentleman absolutely devoted to his craft. He was just as good as any singer I have heard in my life - He sang with such devotion to his craft, that I was deeply inspired ... I had a short conversation with him, and he said that he had no interest in doing any commercial recordings, and that he wanted to focus purely on his craft. There are so many hidden talents ...
  • I was invited to give a book review talk at a club in the US. My talk was recorded and posted on youtube. So yes, I am finally on youtube, for reasons other than music :) People told me I should  consider becoming a professional book-reviewer :) I was humbled, but that's not really my cup of tea.
  • I have been conducting keyboard sessions in my apartment complex every 2 weeks for young kids. I enjoy working with kids. It's amazing how quickly they learn once you make them feel safe, encourage them, and then challenge them.  I am very careful in ensuring that the atmosphere is absolutely non-competitive, and am figuring out how to promote the camaraderie between the kids. My son often attends these sessions, but does his own thing - some colouring or craft activity, but I am happy he is sitting in a room full of music. and hopefully he will participate in it just like others soon.  For now, I just want him to soak in the atmosphere, enjoy it and hopefully learn to like it :)