A Random Thought

Grace without power is pleasant

Grace with power is impactful/inspirational 

Power without grace is jarring. 

Moral - Grace makes all the difference. 

Problems in life

•  We moved into our new home two and a half years ago. I always had plans of putting up some quotes and thoughts that appeal to me in our new home. I had been planning to get the wordings  professionally designed with help from a graphic designer, and create a special spot to put them up.  I never found the time to make that happen, because something more important always demanded attention. And then, a couple of days back, I had a brilliant idea. I tore out a couple of plain pages from a notebook of mine. Wrote out those quotes and thoughts with a sketch-pen by hand, and pasted them on the cupboard with some cello-tape. Perfectly adequate for now. Or maybe even forever. Waited for 2 years to find a solution that was implemented in two minutes. 

• My sister visited home, and was telling me some stories of some of the cancer patients she works with. She casually mentioned that working in a cancer hospital has become more of a study in humanities than perhaps anything else.  

A celebrity posts a pic of herself on Instagram with the caption "Going for a PET scan. Hoping I don't have a cancer". .. 

Meanwhile, a patient asks when he can get back to work after the cancer surgery. Turns out he needs to get back to work to survive. He is a coolie. He can't lift heave weights after a surgery...Each day that he can't work , worsens his financial situation. 

Another lady is going through a divorce in the middle of her cancer treatment. Because she has a become a liability in her spouse's mind, after the diagnosis. 

Another patient hasn't shown up for the free surgery because they don't have the money to purchase a bus ticket to travel to the hospital... 

....

Meanwhile you and I think we have major problems in life.... 

The wonderful and the terrible truth about relationships

 "Life gives to the giver and takes from the Taker" 

-Joe Polish

You are kind and helpful to your colleague. You eagerly step in to help , anticipating their need for help, as well as their reluctance to ask for it. You do it subtly, without attempting to be an intrusive ‘rescuer’.  You are quick to attribute credit to them every single time when it is appropriate to do so. You willing share your knowledge and experience related to a project they are working on. You are generous with your time.

 

And yet, They don’t seem to notice.  Let alone acknowledge.

You are banging your head against the wall. Wearing yourself out. And you  redouble your efforts. To earn their trust and goodwill. Not because you want them to like you. You want to establish a sense of camaraderie at work. You want to contribute to creating a healthy culture at work.  You want the junior members of the team to get a sense of what good attitude at work looks like.

 

And they don’t seem to notice.

 

You give up. With a feeling of grave injustice and resentment weighing you down. Why isn’t the world a better place, you wonder ?  ‘Why doesn’t this person understand what I am trying to do for them here?’, you ask yourself a million times. And if this is a more personal relationship, you make efforts to get the person to ‘notice’ the efforts you are putting in. Maybe they couldn’t see it. Maybe their mind was occupied with other pressing matters, you reason. Maybe once you explain it to them, logically , analytically , systematically, it will make sense to them.

 

And then it doesn’t.

 

You are kind, thoughtful, generous. Some people notice. Some people don’t. Why ?

 

Because it takes one to know one !

 

Only a kind person know how much effort it takes to be kind in a cut-throat environment

Only a generous employee knows what a gift it is to have a colleague who is happily willing to be your ally during a stressful time.

Only a thoughtful person understands the level of intentionality and care that goes into a gracious gesture.

 

Coming to terms with this truth will save you much heartache. You will save a tremendous amount of mental and emotional energy if you don’t attempt to ‘convince’ people to notice your awesomeness.

 

You will gain a tremendous boost of mental and emotional energy if you seek out likeminded people, who effortlessly celebrate your awesomeness. When this happens, its time to realize that we are working with a giver. You don’t feel cheated in the interactions when you deal with a giver. There are no ulterior intentions. No hidden agenda. Just pure intent to contribute and to make a positive difference.

 

Ken Blanchard explains this distinction with two terms -  form and function.

Form is about the vibe when dealing with a person. What attitude do they project ? Do the two of you intuitively understand each other quickly? do you intuitively know that the person is fair, reasonable, and emotionally generous?

 

Function is about the specifics of the task. The logistics.

 

Form is about the vibe and equation between 2 people.

Function is about the task. The project that needs to be done.

 

When there is a harmony in form, the function falls into place effortlessly.

When the form feels dissonant, then the function runs into all kinds of obstacles.

 

Find people with whom you have a great form. In my case, typically these people are generous spirited genuine people who are givers.  Work, and talk to them. You will heal your soul. You will feel understood in a way that many others will not even begin to fathom.

 

Promise yourself that you will no longer attempt to change others to find a harmonious form with them. People don’t want to change, and you will wear yourself out. Instead seek out and maintain close relationships with those you resonate with you. The interactions feel effortless, magical, contract-less, and meaningful. A panacea for the soul. 

Two people who are in form with each other, recharge each other’s batteries without even attempting to do so.

People say "Give without expectations".  Now, if you've experienced enough of life, you will know that that is a recipe for developing resentment, especially if you give to people who don't value it. So, if you wish to avoid disillusionment , here is what I adopt. 

Give without expectations to people with whom you have a great form. 

Your efforts will not be in vain. Your efforts will be sustainable. You will make the world a better place in a meaningful way. 

A question that made me more responsible

By the time I had hit my late teens, I thought I was already pretty responsible. Afterall, I was getting pretty good grades at school, I wasn’t into video games, was generally well mannered, and willing to work hard. Of course, my table was a mess , but  weren’t all boys’ tables like that’?:)   My parents would occasionally admonish me asking me to be more responsible, and I typically took offense to this demand. I was already pretty responsible, what more did they expect?

 

And so it was, until, I came across this question –

‘Who are you a role model to? ‘

 I remember being shocked reading this question. Nothing remotely close to the idea of being a role model had crossed my mind. I had so far evaluated my life and level of responsibility purely on the basis of whether I was handling my tasks pretty well. It had never occurred to consider the impact I had on others.

 

And what a scary thought. Being a role model immediately had me conjuring images of me stiffening up, wearing a tie, and maintaining a dignified stance. It felt like way too much responsibility. Way too much public scrutiny. Way too many eyes on how I behaved, spoke and generally conducted myself.

 

But whether we like it or not, there are people who look up to us, often without us knowing it. I know I have looked up to many people without necessarily telling them that. If you have a child, you are already your child’ role model, at least up to the point they hit the teens.

 

For reasons I find hard to explain, this question made me raise my own standards. It made me want to raise my standards. Regardless of whether or not anyone thought of me as a role model. It made me aware of my impact on others.

 

Further, it offered me a simple follow-up question that I would ask myself whenever I was confused about the direction to take in any situation – “What would a role model do in this situation?” . Even if it didn’t answer my question , it helped my evaluate each possibility with ‘Would a role model do this ? ‘. I thought of one of my own role models  - a brilliant and kind colleague that we affectionately called Nags.

Nags conducted himself with grace, generosity and courtesy at all times, and it did not detract from his brilliance shining through in any way. And I found myself soon asking ‘What would Nags do?’ when faced with a tough situation. Often, I found myself answering ‘Nags would never find himself in this situation’ J.

Nags was insanely impressive and a rare combination of technical and people skills, but always made people around him feel that they could become impressive too. He was a true role model. A source of inspiration without trying to be one. His grace and generosity stemmed from a place of genuine good-will. He didn’t try to ‘become’ a role model from a place of ego or sense of superiority. Indeed, when I once expressed my admiration for him, he graciously thanked me and spoke of himself self-deprecatingly, and had encouraging words to offer me, turning the spotlight on me instead.

Just like Nags, each of us have a role to play in the life-experiences of people that we closely interact with. What influence do you think you have on the life-experience of those you have come in touch with? How do  you infuse positivity in others ? how do you inspire others ? What makes you a worthy role model to your own child ?

 

On my last day of college, I handed out my slam ( autograph) book to my classmates, and a thoughtful friend of mine wrote the below passage ( original quthor unknown ). I have come back to read it many many times in my life, and it’s been a big source of inspiration for me.. 

‘There are many lights in the heavens. But the ones that glow most brightly are those which lighted the way when others were not there. Let your thoughts reach out and grasp those stars so that when you time is over, you will find that at least some part of the world is brighter because you once passed that way”

PS: I wrote this article many years ago. Posting it now. Will refine it later :) 

A Random Thought

 If you call it service, then why do you wish to be recognized and praised for it ? 

True service doesn't seek attention.  

The curious case of Narcissistic Leaders

 It is well known that people tend to follow a leader who demonstrates certainty. Even if the leader is wrong. It is tempting for all of us to be lured by the conviction that such a leader demonstrates. They always seem to know exactly what they are doing. They make instant decisions. They have strong opinions. They exude charisma. And handle the spotlight with chutzpah. 

All of this looks like the signs of a "winner" - until you start to notice the red flags.. They throw a tantrum when they don't get their way. They expect others to adore them. They dismiss others' points of view. They act like they are above everyone else. They believe they are are never to blame. 

Until, we can finally see them for who they are. All that brash confidence, bravado and decisiveness was a mask to hide the terrible insecurity underneath. 

 I am witness to one such leader ( fortunately not at workplace). 

The irony of leadership is that is highly represented by narcissists. Even worse, the "ordinary" innocent folks are seduced into thinking that being such a bold leader is a sign that one has finally "made it".. That one has arrived. 

And yet, the more and more such leaders I get to see, the more I find them off-putting. The more I notice the absence of sincerity. The more I notice that it is merely grandiosity, and not really courage.  

Leaders demonstrating these behaviours aren't leaders. They are merely master manipulators. 

I always believed that being a balanced person was not a big deal, but I now do think it is...And after seeing enough such narcissistic leaders, I only have this to say - The most wonderful people are sincere, simple, genuine and generous. 

Something exotic

 I recently got myself a red-light-therapy device. Red light therapy is that miracle medicine that almost no one has heard of. Over 3000 academic studies have been done on it, but it's neither mainstream nor popular yet, likely for reasons that are more political than scientific. 

People usually use it for great skin and anti-ageing purposes. Well, I'm using it to improve my sleep, and can attest to it making a big difference in my case. Red-light therapy also enhances cognitive function. You can google and learn more about it, if you wish. I paid a crazy amount for my device, especially for it to be shipped halfway across the planet, but I do not regret the purchase. I wish more people knew about this. 

The other thing that I  am yet to try, but have heard interesting things about is hyperbaric oxygen therapy - again some incredible stories from folks, but HOT needs about 40 regular consistent sessions for results to show. I don't have the time for that now, but I sure will try it someday. 

All of a sudden , I seem to have gotten interested in all these fancy, exotic things :D