The wonderful and the terrible truth about relationships

 "Life gives to the giver and takes from the Taker" 

-Joe Polish

You are kind and helpful to your colleague. You eagerly step in to help , anticipating their need for help, as well as their reluctance to ask for it. You do it subtly, without attempting to be an intrusive ‘rescuer’.  You are quick to attribute credit to them every single time when it is appropriate to do so. You willing share your knowledge and experience related to a project they are working on. You are generous with your time.

 

And yet, They don’t seem to notice.  Let alone acknowledge.

You are banging your head against the wall. Wearing yourself out. And you  redouble your efforts. To earn their trust and goodwill. Not because you want them to like you. You want to establish a sense of camaraderie at work. You want to contribute to creating a healthy culture at work.  You want the junior members of the team to get a sense of what good attitude at work looks like.

 

And they don’t seem to notice.

 

You give up. With a feeling of grave injustice and resentment weighing you down. Why isn’t the world a better place, you wonder ?  ‘Why doesn’t this person understand what I am trying to do for them here?’, you ask yourself a million times. And if this is a more personal relationship, you make efforts to get the person to ‘notice’ the efforts you are putting in. Maybe they couldn’t see it. Maybe their mind was occupied with other pressing matters, you reason. Maybe once you explain it to them, logically , analytically , systematically, it will make sense to them.

 

And then it doesn’t.

 

You are kind, thoughtful, generous. Some people notice. Some people don’t. Why ?

 

Because it takes one to know one !

 

Only a kind person know how much effort it takes to be kind in a cut-throat environment

Only a generous employee knows what a gift it is to have a colleague who is happily willing to be your ally during a stressful time.

Only a thoughtful person understands the level of intentionality and care that goes into a gracious gesture.

 

Coming to terms with this truth will save you much heartache. You will save a tremendous amount of mental and emotional energy if you don’t attempt to ‘convince’ people to notice your awesomeness.

 

You will gain a tremendous boost of mental and emotional energy if you seek out likeminded people, who effortlessly celebrate your awesomeness. When this happens, its time to realize that we are working with a giver. You don’t feel cheated in the interactions when you deal with a giver. There are no ulterior intentions. No hidden agenda. Just pure intent to contribute and to make a positive difference.

 

Ken Blanchard explains this distinction with two terms -  form and function.

Form is about the vibe when dealing with a person. What attitude do they project ? Do the two of you intuitively understand each other quickly? do you intuitively know that the person is fair, reasonable, and emotionally generous?

 

Function is about the specifics of the task. The logistics.

 

Form is about the vibe and equation between 2 people.

Function is about the task. The project that needs to be done.

 

When there is a harmony in form, the function falls into place effortlessly.

When the form feels dissonant, then the function runs into all kinds of obstacles.

 

Find people with whom you have a great form. In my case, typically these people are generous spirited genuine people who are givers.  Work, and talk to them. You will heal your soul. You will feel understood in a way that many others will not even begin to fathom.

 

Promise yourself that you will no longer attempt to change others to find a harmonious form with them. People don’t want to change, and you will wear yourself out. Instead seek out and maintain close relationships with those you resonate with you. The interactions feel effortless, magical, contract-less, and meaningful. A panacea for the soul. 

Two people who are in form with each other, recharge each other’s batteries without even attempting to do so.

People say "Give without expectations".  Now, if you've experienced enough of life, you will know that that is a recipe for developing resentment, especially if you give to people who don't value it. So, if you wish to avoid disillusionment , here is what I adopt. 

Give without expectations to people with whom you have a great form. 

Your efforts will not be in vain. Your efforts will be sustainable. You will make the world a better place in a meaningful way.