Why self help doesn’t help

 We read inspirational books. Some books give such a high, such deep insights, and open up a world of possibilities, that we believe we are going to be forever altered, and that our life is finally going to change. A few days later, the inspiration has died down, and out life is back to normal. The older normal before we read the book, that is. 

We attend seminars. Seminars that promise to transform us. That promise to equip us with tools that will dramatically accelerate our pursuit of our ideal life. The trainers speak with such power and charisma that we believe that this is the training that will finally fix us. And a few days after the training, our life is back to normal. The older normal, that is .. 

So why don’t the books and trainings that offer so much promise change us? Why don’t the life-changing insights change our lives ? Why is it that our repeated efforts fall flat ? Why is that despite our best intentions and determination, our life doesn’t really change?

I can relate to this personally, because I read book after book, attended numerous seminars and put in a lot of effort, and yet, my life wasn’t changing the way I expected it to. 

And finally, I understood why these inspirational books and seminars weren’t changing my life. While there are many reasons, I am going to touch upon 3 key reasons : 

1) Imagine you learn Robotics, super computing and artificial intelligence. You spend an entire semester mastering these topics, and you are raring to apply the concepts you have a learnt. Unfortunately though, by a quirk of fate, you find yourself transported by an evil-time machine into the ice-age.  Now, living in the ice age isn’t quite conducive for practicing super-computing and artificial intelligence. 

The problem is that most of us learn life-changing ideas, and then find ourselves swimming upstream as we attempt to internalize and apply them in our lives. 

Which brings us the key point – When you learn life-changing ideas, you must also place yourself in a world which has a place for those life-changing ideas, and encourages you to practice those ideas. This translates to two things – the environment that surrounds you, and the people you surround yourself with.  Did you read a book on dieting, and yet junk food is placed in an open location at home? If so, your environment is competing ( as opposed to collaborating) with your learnings and intentions. 

Do you read about the power of positive speech, and then spend most of your time with people who complain or gossip a lot. Over time, their combined effort will conquer your determination to speak positively. 

Once you learn a great idea that you wish to bring into your life, you also need to reflect on what existing parts of your life resist that idea. 

Environment always beats will-power. 

2) The second biggest reason why people give up on their goals is this – They are not accountable to anyone as they pursue their goal. There is no ‘consequence’ for not staying disciplined. 

Humans, by default crave the path of least resistance. We start out doing the hard stuff, with all our will –power and determination, but once we find a roadblock or have an off-day, we easily get off the routine, and soon, staying out of routine becomes a habit. 

The way to fix this is by accountability. Tell people close to you about the goal you are pursuing. You can ask one of them to keep you accountable. Better yet, find another person who is pursuing a goal similar to yours and you can keep each other accountable. You could call/message each other daily/on –a-weekly-basis to share your progress, and to keep each other going. 

3) Reward yourself when you demonstrate an act of change –If exercising is your goal, please don’t reward yourself with a cheese-cake for getting your workout done😊  (Maybe you could sign up for a spa session once you workout 5 days in a row). Rewards create a positive association to the desired change. You have put in the effort. Reward yourself regularly for the effort you are putting in, while ensuring that the reward does not oppose the original goal  

Most self-help books are written with best intentions. But they don’t change our lives, because we first need to learn what makes behavioral change happen, before we can change our lives. In this post, I shared three of the most powerful ideas that will enable us to dramatically raise our chances of us actually changing.  Creating an environment that is conducive to change,  being around people who are supportive of this change, and rewarding ourselves for demonstrating commitment to change.  

These are simple and effective strategies that have helped me. Apply them and you will get better at getting better.