Intelligence vs Warmth was possibly the one tradeoff that resulted in the biggest dilemma I had for a long time. Dilemma it was, for my mind refused to accept that the two should in any way be connected. And then, I had the experience that I share below, which eventually resolved the dilemma.
15 years ago, I got to know a bunch of students from another department. They were all super-smart, quick-witted, and conversed almost entirely in sarcastic banter. I was intrigued and fascinated by this new 'artform' that I was witnessing :) . Impressed by their intelligence, I joined in. We engaged in a battle of wits - who could come up with the quickest and the wittiest repartee, was the unspoken name of the game. I was so seduced by the intelligent conversations the group shared, that it took me a while to notice the red flags.
The tonality of the humour sometimes left me feeling uncomfortable and out-of-place. I noticed that no one ever expressed true sadness or disappointment. It was always 'mock' disappointment, which was received with mock sympathy. I eventually realized that no one was EVER vulnerable, and for good reason. Who wants to risk hearing a sarcastic remark in response to a vulnerable confession ? And I soon noticed that I tailored my words to match the style of the group, carefully filtering everything I said.
And that's when it hit me. It was a toxic environment, and yes, I was contributing to it. And I was falling into the trap. Sucked in by the pretentious wit, people were losing touch with their emotions, genuineness, authenticity and humanity. They felt pressure at some level, to sound adequately intelligent each time they spoke up.
The presence of too much intelligence had eliminated every trace of warmth.
Intelligence is a power. Too much of it, and it gets intimidating. Intelligence must always be balanced by warmth, for, it is only when people feel psychologically safe that they bring their whole selves into a situation/conversation.
The experience unexpectedly answered two questions I had had in my mind for a long time :
1) Why don't teams that comprise only of superstars ever succeed at the highest levels ?
Answer - Because the extreme average competence makes almost everyone feel insecure. And each person responds to it differently depending on their personality type. The mild-mannered ones go into a shell. The aggressive ones get competitive, and engage in petty games of oneupmanship.
No true collaboration ever happens. For it to work, the leader needs to create great psychological safety, but even with that, the individual members need to have the emotional maturity to work constructively with others in the team.
2) How does one combine wit and warmth ? I had known and admired this person for a while . He was very witty and also very warm. And I had always wondered how he had managed to combine those incongruous traits.
The answer, I now realized, was surprisingly simple. In person, he always avoided the one form of wit that wasn't warm - Sarcasm.
Intelligence is impressive. Warmth is welcoming.
With intelligence, the focus is on us. With warmth, the focus is on others.
Intelligence pushes. Warmth pulls.
Intelligence is about power/strength . Warmth is about love/affection.
Let your power come from a place of love. Else you will push people away by intimidiating/manipulating them in some way.
Let your love come from a place of power. Else you will become a people-pleaser and act subservient to others.
Grow in warmth/love, so that you make people around you comfortable, and create a psychologically safe environment.
Grow in intelligence/power, so that when you are in a psychologically unsafe environment, you can protect yourself.
The sweetspot for the intelligence vs warmth tradeoff is unique to each person, for them to define. Introspect, discover your current sweetspot, and redefine it intentionally to wherever you want it to be.
PS: I will come back and fix the writing later. I had promised myself that I will have a post up on Jan 1.
15 years ago, I got to know a bunch of students from another department. They were all super-smart, quick-witted, and conversed almost entirely in sarcastic banter. I was intrigued and fascinated by this new 'artform' that I was witnessing :) . Impressed by their intelligence, I joined in. We engaged in a battle of wits - who could come up with the quickest and the wittiest repartee, was the unspoken name of the game. I was so seduced by the intelligent conversations the group shared, that it took me a while to notice the red flags.
The tonality of the humour sometimes left me feeling uncomfortable and out-of-place. I noticed that no one ever expressed true sadness or disappointment. It was always 'mock' disappointment, which was received with mock sympathy. I eventually realized that no one was EVER vulnerable, and for good reason. Who wants to risk hearing a sarcastic remark in response to a vulnerable confession ? And I soon noticed that I tailored my words to match the style of the group, carefully filtering everything I said.
And that's when it hit me. It was a toxic environment, and yes, I was contributing to it. And I was falling into the trap. Sucked in by the pretentious wit, people were losing touch with their emotions, genuineness, authenticity and humanity. They felt pressure at some level, to sound adequately intelligent each time they spoke up.
The presence of too much intelligence had eliminated every trace of warmth.
Intelligence is a power. Too much of it, and it gets intimidating. Intelligence must always be balanced by warmth, for, it is only when people feel psychologically safe that they bring their whole selves into a situation/conversation.
The experience unexpectedly answered two questions I had had in my mind for a long time :
1) Why don't teams that comprise only of superstars ever succeed at the highest levels ?
Answer - Because the extreme average competence makes almost everyone feel insecure. And each person responds to it differently depending on their personality type. The mild-mannered ones go into a shell. The aggressive ones get competitive, and engage in petty games of oneupmanship.
No true collaboration ever happens. For it to work, the leader needs to create great psychological safety, but even with that, the individual members need to have the emotional maturity to work constructively with others in the team.
2) How does one combine wit and warmth ? I had known and admired this person for a while . He was very witty and also very warm. And I had always wondered how he had managed to combine those incongruous traits.
The answer, I now realized, was surprisingly simple. In person, he always avoided the one form of wit that wasn't warm - Sarcasm.
Intelligence is impressive. Warmth is welcoming.
With intelligence, the focus is on us. With warmth, the focus is on others.
Intelligence pushes. Warmth pulls.
Intelligence is about power/strength . Warmth is about love/affection.
Let your power come from a place of love.
Let your love come from a place of power.
Let your power come from a place of love. Else you will push people away by intimidiating/manipulating them in some way.
Let your love come from a place of power. Else you will become a people-pleaser and act subservient to others.
Grow in warmth/love, so that you make people around you comfortable, and create a psychologically safe environment.
Grow in intelligence/power, so that when you are in a psychologically unsafe environment, you can protect yourself.
The sweetspot for the intelligence vs warmth tradeoff is unique to each person, for them to define. Introspect, discover your current sweetspot, and redefine it intentionally to wherever you want it to be.
PS: I will come back and fix the writing later. I had promised myself that I will have a post up on Jan 1.
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